Holding on to character defects - to fear - as painful as it is, is still easier than letting it go. I know myself, even if I don't like all of me. The judgmental, critical me that is so defensive, is familiar. Becoming a kinder, gentler, accepting person is harder than I thought. I guess I thought that if I just wanted to be this kinder person, God would make it happen. But I have to think about it. About what I say before it comes out of my mouth. And even when it "looks" like I've changed, I still hear all that old junk in my head. And I know it's born out of fear. My own fear that I'm not enough. So I have to focus on what I think someone else's defects are. They're fat. They're immature. They're vain. They're controlling. They're . . .whatever. When I'm focusing on them, I'm not looking at myself. What is the need in me that I would continue to think unkind thoughts about others? Maybe I'm not done suffering. Yet. But I want to be. Soon.
Persevere. With Joy.
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